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June 25, 2020
Retired Prosecutor Snaps: Goes Over To The Dark Side In Aid Of 'Woke Corporate America' By Reimaging Tired Old Racist Brands
- We're witnessing the final transformation of this blight formerly known as America into a dystopian Hitlerian hell-hole that will depopulate the planet
I was down at the local grocery commune seeing if I could pick up some essentials when I spied (and grabbed) the last remaining box on the shelf of racist pancake mix as well as the last carton of racist whole grain rice.
It was touch and go getting through checkout without suffering a physical assault. Though the checker was behind a sheet of Plexiglas and wore a surgical mask, when she spied the box of Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben’s rolling doing the conveyor belt, the look of revolutionary fire and hate exploded in her eyes.
I suppose it was just a coincidence that the name on her tag read “Karen.”
I have to admit. After having worked a full career as a lawyer I’m pretty quick on my feet when it comes to improve and story-telling as I explained to Karen that I was merely a sociology professor at the local Marxist indoctrination detention facility – commonly known as the “University” and, nodding towards the offending boxes, explained that my purchase was part of my research project for my up-coming lecture on “colonialism” and “systemic racism.”
Apparently that did the trick as I noticed a sympathetic twinkle in Karen’s eyes as I completed my contraband purchases without suffering great bodily injury.
Dragging myself into my California low carbon footprint hovel, my head throbbing from guilt over my purchases, I fell into the chair at the kitchen table. Why am I pounding my head against the cultural purge of these present times? Better to join them then to fight them.
I’m a pretty good writer if I say so myself. My talents and marketing insights could help the cause.
The Aunt Jemima pancake brand for instance. I did a little research. The 139 year old brand is owned by Quaker Food North America. Recently, jogged out of their systemic racist complacency, the parent company, Pepsico, decided Aunt Jemima had to go to “… further the brand and make it one everyone can be proud to have in their pantry.”
Same thing with Uncle Ben. The woke geniuses at food giant Mars said it had a responsibility to “to take a stand in helping to put an end to racial bias and injustices.” The inspiration for the Uncle Ben rice brand was a hard working farmer in Texas. The guy started out as an entrepreneur. Of course! Everyone knows Capitalism is racist.
I’ve decided to do my part and have determined to offer my services as an Ad Copy Writer for Pepsico and Mars Foods to revitalize the formerly racist flagship brands of these two Corporate Giants fighting for social justice in service to the reimaged America.
Regarding the pancake mix, it’s no longer Aunt Jemima but Aunt Angela in honor of the sixties radical and social justice warrior. If I say so myself, not only am I a great writer but I’m something of a scientist and a mad social justice scientist at that. I did a little research. It turns out when you mix other ingredients in the right proportions with the pancake mix it makes a first class accelerant and a tip-notch incendiary device!
Here’s my mockup of the new Aunt Angela pancake mix artwork.
Regarding that tired racist image of Uncle Ben featured on Mars formerly flagship rice brand, I recommend rebranding under the moniker “Uncle Raz” after the CHAZ (or is it CHOP) warlord Raz Simone.
Again, I did a little R&D. Turns out when you put some of the rice mix in a conical mold and add a little Pepsicola to it, when it dries the final substance is hard as diamonds. In fact it makes perfect armor piercing bullets! Remember when we were kids and you used to dig out these little prizes inside a box of Cracker Jacks? Ok, I’m also a marketing genius. The Uncle Raz rice in two varieties – inside of each box is an armor piecing bullet mold in either AK-47 or AR platform.
Here’s my proposed mockup for the box artwork for the AK variety of the Uncle Raz rice.
I’m telling you, Pepsico and Mars are going to make a fortune on these dual use products.
Imagine the poor hungry freedom fighters in barricaded zones across our cities being energized with a high carb breakfast of woke pancakes adding to the mix a superb incendiary device for burning down all those police pig enclaves and minority and black owned businesses in the democratic hell holes of our major cities.
Then in the evening, after a rough day of rioting, burning and looting, what could be better than restoring revolutionary zeal over a rice dinner while the armor piercing bullets harden up in anticipation of the night’s sniper activity against law enforcement, military or non-compliant citizens on the periphery?
I have to admit, I’ve missed my calling. Forget those goofy little political satire films promoting hateful and insensitive statements such as “all lives matter.” My new calling is with the struggle of Corporate America to finally transform this blight on the world formerly known as America into a dystopian Hitlerian hell-hole that will depopulate the planet and save us all from manmade catastrophic climate change.
Let’s just hope and pray that in the coming months no one will want to get on board that evil Trump Train or attend those disease and hate spreading rallies.
Robert Kirk, a retired Prosecutor, suffers from a rare malady that only afflicts a tiny percentage of his fellow Californians – common sense conservative thought. For more info or to contact go to: www.alienanthro.com
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